In Nature's Locker Room

Rant

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 04:55:46 GMT

I HATE Myspace and Facebook. I feel like I should get a Myspace just to keep in touch with people because I have seemingly lost all my friends, (and from what I hear, this is the medium) and on the other hand, I can't fight the loathing I have for it. The same thing is happening with facebook. I want to delete it out of spite. Cell phones too. I hate work. Ji Soo is so mean to me for no reason. If Rabab weren't coming, I'd quit. I'm jealous of Sylwia and Ashley. Whenever I see her Im reminded of how the rest of New York or America views me and how I do, and the vast difference. And Unfortunatly, no matter how much Nick tells me it doesn't matter, it does. Nick isn't around. I feel so boring. I get arrogant and think I know what's important in life. I still am. How is it that most of the world is wrong and I'm right? That just can't be right. I cannot find a single person that clicks with me and all of my old friends no longer click. It's a transition period with no end point. When at first spending a night with Ashley put me in a silly, happy mood I'm now depressed. My life is busy and meaningful and productive now and I still feel useless. I changed my minor to be of more help to society. Is that stupid? Who's judgement can I trust on that? I'm jealous of people who have friends they enjoy. It makes me feel like I'm somehow socially awkward, and I'm not.
November is my favorite month.

Just today

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:09:16 GMT

I am becoming addicted to facebook. Now that I actually have a shred of free time. Ugh. I did consider for a moment just deleting it, and being done with it, but I shamefully admit that I regret doing that with my Myspace and am too prideful to get another one. So it stays.
Taking Rabab to chop chop tomorrow. Ji soo better hire her. I swear.
I hugged Greg today. Even just that friendly gesture seemed wrong. Even got a weird rush. If I'm getting rushes from that I know I must be in some sort of rut. I haven't had sex for like a month. Why is that?
I am going to make such fantastic cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving. Watch.
This weekend I have to Write my english paper and do my anthro project/write paper. My philosophy professor just gave out a paper to write. a ten page paper. I have to catch up on some serious geology and archaeology reading. Some anthro too. a few short essays to read in English. That's my holiday weekend. I really want to do some Christmas shopping. I think I bought Nick the wrong book. I need to get him a keychain as a joke.
I really really want a tan. I can't believe I can't wait till summer. This is the first year the winter has come close to annoying me.

...I almost feel bad not being pensive here!

I'll fix it. Some serious thoughtful quotes. lol. Except the Eddie Izzard ones.

"We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in.
"I claim India for Britain!"
And they're going, "You can't claim us, we live here! There's five hundred million of us!"
"Do you have a flag?"
"...No..."
"… No flag, no country! Thse are the rules that I've...just made up"

**************

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And, uh … oh yes. You tear your history down, man! Thirty years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!"
"We've restored this building to what it must have looked like over 50 YEARS AGO!"
Americans: "No! Surley not No! No one was alive back then!"

**********************

"And so the American government lied to the Indians for many many years. Then Bill Clinton lied about a relationship...and everyone was surprised. A bit naive I feel!"
- Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill

"The compulsion to do good is an innate American trait. Only North Americans seem to believe that they always should, may, and actually can choose somebody with whom to share their blessings. Ultimately this attitude leads to bombing people into the acceptance of gifts."
- Ivan Illich

"... I can’t see (or feel) the conflict between love and religion. To me they’re the same thing."
- Elizabeth Bowen

A member of the Abelam tribe of Papau New Guinea was looking through as issue of sports illustrated magazine. The man, dressed in full ceremonial regalia with a feather through his nose was laughing uncontrollably at a woman shown in a liquor advertisement. When he managed to stop laughing long enough to explain what he thought was so funny, he said, "This American woman has made holes in her ears and stuck things in them." When it was pointed out that this man had an ornament in his nose, the reply was, "That's different. That's for beauty and has ceremonial significance. But I didn't know that American people mutilated themselves."
- Richard Scaglion

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."
- Abraham Lincoln

"The Secret of being boring is to say everything"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
- Voltaire

I hate feeling obligated to name entries. It's stupid.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:56:56 GMT

Thanksgiving's in a few days. Thats always nice. I just did really bad on a lab midterm. It's the first time this semester that I didn't really study too hard. I'm kinda surprised with myself for not caring that much. ::shrugs:: Nick and I have been fighting a lot. I really need to just learn to let things go. He's leaving soon. Fights are not important. Not that this has anything to do with it, but he's been giving me rides too and from work, so class some mornings, which takes a while. He works with my neighbors, but I suspects he actually likes that. I love that Nick drives.
I hate work. Ji soo makes me...uncomfortable - at best! He acts authoritative a lot, and then he'll come out and say something totally crude or intimate and I'm not sure how to react, and all the other people there see him a lot more often then I do. Whatever. Yashibel doesn't work on Sundays anymore, thank god! Rabab said she might work on sundays!!!!!!!!!! I hope for nothing more, that would be fantastic. I love her, I never see her anymore.
I feel like the entire world has taken to calling me boring, or comparing my life to theirs in a less then favorable light. Why is "partying" looked upon with such favor? Even Ji soo gave me this. He predicted I'd be a party animal when I'm in my 30's. We'll see, but honestly, I doubt it. Ashley called me saturday night and asked me to go to some...thing somewhere in the nighborhood and then probably drinking with her and Sylwia. Why do I feel so bad that I declined? Not guilty bad - just boring bad. Like my values are so inherently different from everyone elses and if I have no intimate friends left its no one's fault but my own. When I study the Bedouins or Trobrianders, look at their lifestyles, I can really see how silly the American New York trendy culture is, how materialistic it is, how fleeting and brainless. I don't know why it still makes me feel bad. The part of my own culture drilled into be regardless of how much studying or distancing I do. Oh well. Even when people I don't know that well try to know me better I decline. Why? Im busy - yes, true excuse, but I can always "make" time. I could go to the movie with Greg, or do my Anthro project with Leila. I really should. I miss out on all the social networking for my lack of a Myspace. I really feel like that would help and its a real shame. It would also help if I enjoyed talking on the phone. I just don't. It's for making quick plans, not chatting in my book. I even make stupid excuses when Chrystal calls from Kansas, a rare occurance, probably my oldest friend. Ugh, my fault my fault. Whatever. I guess the easy thing would be to say that I'll change it when I get fed up enough. And obviously that isn't now.
I've never understood the value of money more then I do now. I'm becoming frugal like my dad.
I love that all the "good" holidays are now. Thats fun.
I'm looking forward to seeing Greg tomorrow. I hate that I seem to have a crush on him too. Maybe its just availability. Or triumph on my part. I don't know.
I love that I have a stash of expensive organic food in the bottom drawer of my dresser which is all I eat now. I love that I have tea bags 30% off from work that I make with hot water from my tap in my bathroom. I can't wait to study abroad.
Ok - I think thats it. I wish I could relay the pearls of wisdom I had on the carride from work yesterday with Nick. You know, sometimes you have real life epiphanies, and you pat yourself on the back for your insightfulness, and then just can't recreate the thoughts later? Well, I can say it was about religion and history and psychological egoism, the stupidity of being misanthropic, comparing american culture to others, the difference in culturally learned behavior and biological features of humanity, the importance of giving, what it means to live in america and have so much when others have so little, our responsibility to each other, the world.
I know - it SOUNDS sooooo smart! But I have no proof!

obligatory i guess, and maybe descartes inspiration?

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:43:53 GMT

I'm trying to stay true to my frequent updating oath. Sooo...Today I got a 100 on my philosophy midterm! I'm procrastinating writing a study guide for my second anthropology midterm on thursday. ugh. ugh!!!
Still gonna keep these entries private for now.
Other than that, I'm really happy. Everything is going well for me, can't complain. I'm in America and I have all my limbs. I stole that last part from Ashley, she doesn't know how right she is. I really miss her. I haven't seen her since that drunken night when I made out with her a couple of times. It makes me cringe to even think about it. How can we ever act normal when making fun of LOTR or ordering weird food combinations at the Bridgeview diner again? Really. We kissed. With A LOT of tongue. Oh my God! Well let me say this is out of character for me. Really really out of character. I've become shy, meek, almost reserved. Only out going with a select few people. I like that I did something slightly wild, but i almost regret its not in my nature to do so. I wish I didn't regret it. I missed Sylwia today. I miss all of my old high school friends today. I miss free time and not working. Not ALWAYS having to read something for class, not having to go to work and adhere to such a strict schedule. I envy Nick, and catch myself disrespecting him for it sometimes, which i know isnt fair. God, January is so close. I don't even want to think about it too much. I have no idea what it's going to be like.

My jaw hurts. And actually, my boobs hurt. I want/need to get that follow-up surgery. I can't wait to buy a string bikini. It's SO happening this spring so I can just parade in it around alone in my room until summer.

Do I have the smallest insignificant crush on Greg? Why is it that he makes me feel so awkward if not? I both dread and look forward to philosophy class. I dress up even. He's strange, but there's something, I don't know. Maybe I'm just flattered. Every girl is at least a little insecure. And all insecurity is at least a little bit quelled when the opposite sex takes interest, I think. Let's leave it at that.

Nam keeps asking me to play Badminton with him. 3rd time. God, thats so weird! I'm running out of believeable excuses. He's real nice though. I like having such a diverse pool of friends. I'd like a best friend however. And I'm going to refrain, for my own benefit, from saying, "can't have everything" and sounding like my own grandmother. why is that such a temptation for me?

I want a laptop and a digital camera but I'm saving my money for study abroad. I'm not above playing the "Christmas gift" card with rich relatives, at least at this point in my life. I want to shake off materialism, but it doesn't count if I say..."eventually", does it?
I make myself sound so "unserious". I am serious, too much actually, I promise.

There was a placebo concert sometime around now in november. I wish I could have gone.

Sleeping pill? How did you know

You know what plagues me in matters of heartfelt love and caring? That whole "psychological egoism" thing from philosophy class. Whatever, it doesnt matter. Human kind has written operas and symphonies, built and flourished in new york city, developed the cures to diseases, developed the airplane (no one ever gives this credit, but WOW!), built the roman aquaducts, you know, all that. We're really amazing. Anyone misanthropic is just uneducated. Really, wow. We are so amazing. I really think that even if we just care about ourselves (even though the whole reason it even bothers me is because I understand that it makes a lot of sense) we're still an amazing biological creation. Besides, where did we come from? Even athiests must concede we came from somewhere. Whatever that someone or somewhere is, it couldnt have been selfish. it just doesnt make sense. that means the whole idea of selfishness is not a utopian concept, it is in practice, in some sense. So some sense of altruism exists, and even if humans cannot attain it, we have a perfect model to try by.

WOW look at that rant! Hope it made sense. The point is, I love you.

Reply:
I think God "built" us that way, (phychological egoism) because when you think about how we'd be motivated to live, no other way would work. It doesn't take away from choosing to do altruistic deeds or live a giving life, because not everyone chooses it. Some people accumulate money, eat, or grow wonderful flowers to make themselves happy. How do some choose to love? I think it is something we learn by trial and error.

Ex: Hmmmmmmm.....I think I'll save all my money and sit home and eat (loneliness and fatness)

Hmmmmmmmm......I think I'll give all my money away (self-inflicted poverty)

Hmmmmmmm......I have all I need to live. Now what can I do for others? (very self-gratifying)

(Yes, this is brilliance in my mind. Really.)

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 02:50:00 GMT

If I even attempt to update everything that has happened in my life since the last time I cared to relate it I'd be here all night. All summer I kept thinking of my Freshman year of high school and how so many new things happened, and I learned so much and experienced so much, and hoped that Freshman year of college would be the same. I remember a few weeks after orientation, I was sitting in Chrystal's room, both us talking about how not much had changed and we were disappointed. Ironically, it seems like the day she left life started getting more interesting for me. And thank god. Now I have a big pool of memories to tap into in four years just like I reminisce about high school. I also read a few old journal entries from around that time, when I was fourteen. I used better vocabulary in them then I do now, I was so pretentious. Like I just knew someone would read them and be impressed. Well, I'm sure Nick has skimmed through most of it and I doubt he was. Well anyway, I've gone through two jobs, the one at Eckerd Pharmacy that I got from Robert, (who still calls me to this day for some reason), and the one at Chop Chop, which I can credit to me semi-renewed friendship with Chrystal, since her mother works for the man who is now my boss at the nail salon across the street in trendy Boreum Hill. I still work there now, on Sundays, usually ten hours, and to my extreme displeasure, 12 or 14 hours when he’s understaffed. I could go on and on about how much I dislike him, I’ll save that for some angry Sunday. My classes are going well, Midterms went very well, its just Philosophy that I haven’t seen yet and that’s supposed to be tomorrow. Geology I got a 95, Archaeology I got a 92, Anthro and English I got an A+. I feel like just in the last week I’ve been doing a little worse then usual. I feel like I have no time between work and school and study and babysitting. I haven’t seen Nick for weeks and he’s leaving in January. I rarely if ever see Ashley anymore, except for her tragedy a couple of weeks ago, and all the kissing that she Steven, Melissa and I did in my basement over cheap light beers, shots of brandy and clove cigarettes. I know, very strange. That’s more because we’re growing apart though, and not because of our busy schedules. We have nothing in common anymore. I like Rabab, I see her when we baby-sit, but that’s about it. I’m getting closer to Leila but I can’t stand her pretentiousness and wouldn’t pursue a friendship with her any further. I have a lot of acquaintances, which is nice, but I really have no one to call if I have some tragedy and I need support, except Nick, and if the tragedy is about him, I’m pretty much out of options. It’s not like if I found a great friend I’d have too much time to spend time with them. I do get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but as usual, it’s really strange guys who (as arrogant as this sounds) offend me with trying. I always ask, “Why does he think I’m in his league?” Am I that socially awkward or creepy or morbidly obese? It’s not looks, I can be sure. I mean it when I say I’m one of the least shallow people out there. I don’t know. I notice I don’t approach terribly attractive or smart people because I have a prejudice that they won’t be too nice because they never had to be. So I hope it’s my fault. I have a huge crush on my philosophy professor, which I know is going nowhere. Not that any of this would come to anything anyway, since Nick and I are doing well. It just comes to the point where you get so comfortable with someone there’s not much effort or excitement anymore. Not complaining. I think I know better than most to be content with what I have and accept flaws others have. That’s life, and I’m really really lucky with Nick. He’s fantastic. So are my parents, which is helpful, since I live with them. What else do I say? That’s my life right now, very busy. I really do want to try to update more. I’m going to keep these entries private for now, and make them public when they won’t be of interest to anyone, just in case. I mention names and wouldn’t want anyone to get mad.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 02:36:06 GMT

Just wait for the surge of LJ activity, because after midterms, its coming with a vengence.

(And I can't stand this LJ layout anymore. It's gone very soon!)

I hate cell phones and social networking websites. Call me old fashioned. This era doesn't work for me.

I love college and I love Brooklyn and many but not all aspects of life.

I wish I had the hand muscles for a real journal, and enough pen and paper. That way, I could write the crude and outrageous things and not have to filter them for the nobody that reads this maybe.

Until Wednesday, my first day off after my last midterm and Halloween.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 05:25:39 GMT

yeah, i sold out and got a face book
http://brooklyn.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16205682

i wish i could inspire myself to be active here.
i hate reading over the entries. im so angsty!

maybe when midterms are over ill become a livejournal slave again.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 00:15:20 GMT

The imaginary lifeless person who personifies my livejournal must think I’m a complete loss. I usually only consult them when I’m in a less than chipper mood. Actually, that hasn’t been often lately. Good. It has actually been a good few weeks. Today I suffer from terribly low self-esteem, which must sound incredibly ordinary but bear with me.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel useless in the place that I’m in. I never never let myself feel unlucky, no matter how easy or convenient that path seems at the time. I know I’m one of the luckiest. That is what I know puts me in the place I realize now. I feel guilty about my American lifestyle a lot, and every day more than the last. That’s a luxury I allow myself. I’m of no use to society now. Or at least, to get back on a positive track, not yet. But I feel like it’s getting ahead of myself to even go that far. I haven’t really proven myself in anything yet, no abilities, nothing other than ambitions, albeit ones most think are idle. I know what I have to do, and what I should do, and I hate that patience is involved. I know even if I had all the money and resources in the world, and the same apparently selfless ambitions, I would still have to wait. I know I can’t just drive around the world and hand everyone in need a few dollars and a syringe with every Western vaccination we take for granted and expect change. Not even in world affairs. In attitude. Western attitude. That would surely change things. I want to be taken seriously, but that’s such a selfish desire, one that does no justice to the whole point. I don’t know if it’s that I try not to allow myself emotions that are probably human, but once I get on the whole OCD perfection track that I already see lain out in front of me, it’s hard for me to accept any action other than one I would want published in a book about me later. That’s why I’m feeling less then chipper today. I strayed from what I view as perfection in behavior and thought and I’m inadvertently punishing myself. Even as I write this I’m silently telling myself that I’ll make up for it tomorrow and the next day with better actions and overwrite it somehow. At least I have an eraser of sorts. I make myself sound really crazy. It’s not so.

People and money

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 13:52:43 GMT

Back from Cape May. When I promised to denounce my bitterness, I meant it, and as a result, I think everything was pleasant for everyone. Matt didn’t come, which removed a lot of the drama, the same goes with my grandmother. It was Dean, Margie, Laura and her family, and Kathy and her family. Less crowding helped also, I’m sure. The only thing we had to gossip about was Rachel and I have too much sympathy for her to let any malice creep into it. So it was nice spending time with them, I had fun. We played lots of Poker; they did lots of swimming I regret I couldn’t participate in. Lots of quaint Cape May shopping. We invited Kathy, Elyse, Rachel and Lexi over for Christmas, and for once, I actually hope they’ll come.
I have put off everything I know I had to do this summer until after Cape May, and now I’m overwhelmed. Before college, which is three weeks maybe? I have to get my learners permit. Get to the dentist. Go to the endocrinologist. Get those prints from every important digital camera picture since late 2005. That’s actually a lot. Buy all my textbooks. Get the official ID. Send in my AP scores, which I don’t know how to go about. Take the language test so I can minor in French.

We got the bill from the hospital today, shocked. We expected about nine thousand dollars. The surgical fee was three thousand, anesthesiologist was almost one thousand, and the hospital fee another three thousand. I thought I was estimating up with nine. The hospital bill alone was eleven thousand dollars. They just throw on such ridiculous unforeseen costs that you don’t consider beforehand. I wonder how many thousand extra my surgeon will add on once all the follow up appointments are over. Fifteen thousand dollars. From an overestimated nine. That’s horrible. My parents are not pleased.

Well, yesterday I babysat and got $50, which I soon have to share with Rabab. I like Kristen and Joe. I saw Ashley for a few hours, but she’s going to Key West in a few days so it looks like we still won’t be seeing very much of each other. I’m supposed to see Chrystal today. And oddly enough, I’m seeing Christina on Monday. That will be interesting, at the very least. She was pleasant to talk to online. So that’s the next few days. And I have to get started on the to do list. I’m still working on writing about Egypt.

I'll be on the right track eventually

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 14:02:41 GMT

I’m young again, and no one could differentiate the following from my angst 4 years ago.

MySpace and AIM and cell phones seem so unnecessary. But Livejournal is! My age old rant. My immaturity.

Last night, I read the journals I had deleted from 2002 and 2003. I wonder if that faint part of me is still there, I think I erased her naïve optimism and intact sense of justice with all the cynicism. At least I don’t hate anymore, which I did in abundance back then. Nobody has a livejournal anymore (which is why I’m here), so I looked at everyone’s MySpace who I used to be friends with. I don’t know if I feel liberated or jealous. I feel both. So a part of the fourteen year old me is still there. And the fourteen year old everyone else seems there. I want to catch up with Christina. I need to fallout with everyone else. It’s making me so depressed and that’s so hard even to type. Depressed and ashamed. I’m doing the same thing now I’m doing back then with the journals. Writing as though I know someday someone will read it, but not now, so I have the privacy to mention people by name and speak my own truth. I don’t have anyone to talk about anymore. I don’t need a network, I don’t need a visual reminder to be stronger then a verbal or written one like the world does. This is so petty. We spill over the pettiest things. I’m all talk.

God, I can't even tell you how hard I'm trying! I don't kow what's fighting back. I'd like to say "society", but I know it's me.

Cape May’s drama is so insignificant. I’ll do it all for my mom, who is the only member of the family who is so perfect and without drama that I compare her to everyone and spite them all for falling short of her.
I have people who love me and that’s enough. It’s luck. I have to make it contagious instead of stunting it. Start over, New Beginning, in front of me. For everyone I can touch. Get an education. Enjoy life and pour yourself into things that really matter. Just Help.

Ashley’s coming over in a few hours to watch Rome. At the very least, we can still both appreciate ancient Rome with its violence and promiscuity. Tomorrow hopefully the last of the stitches will be removed (this will hurt) and I can venture into the world again. Life will begin anew in every way. I’ll see to it.

AIM

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 23:49:36 GMT

http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/libr/c/a/caliburnus/caliburnus.html
Remember this?

I can’t believe it’s Wednesday. I won’t delete it but I’m angry at myself for all the bitterness earlier. It’s not me anymore. I had a conversation with my mother about her family (after writing since it was fresh on my mind), a real taboo with her, and it would take me forever to type the insights we came to, but I’ll just say I won’t nurse grudges anymore, and even though she walked into the conversation with apprehension, I think she came out of it more or less okay (not furious, which is real progress). What a run on sentence. Well that’s it. We’ll see how it goes.

OlwenWhiteTrack: you two timing bitch!
The Inquisitions: excuse me?!
The Inquisitions: what the hell is this?!
OlwenWhiteTrack: you're a whore!
The Inquisitions: what the hell kind of greeting is this?!
The Inquisitions: your mom
OlwenWhiteTrack: LMAO
The Inquisitions: well, im fine!
OlwenWhiteTrack: you did NOT just sa that to me!
The Inquisitions: before you ask!
OlwenWhiteTrack: NO
The Inquisitions: i so did
The Inquisitions: i so said it
OlwenWhiteTrack: YOUR MOM

OlwenWhiteTrack: you're a cunt
OlwenWhiteTrack: lol. how are you?
OlwenWhiteTrack: and how aout you pick up your FUCKING hone for once?!
OlwenWhiteTrack: ANDF your Phone
The Inquisitions: right, either one
The Inquisitions: whore,
The Inquisitions: anyway
The Inquisitions: im doing well, thanks for your so evident concern!
OlwenWhiteTrack: I've been calling!
The Inquisitions: liar
The Inquisitions: and bitch
The Inquisitions: i cant believe you
OlwenWhiteTrack: :eyes widen:
OlwenWhiteTrack: how dare you!
The Inquisitions: the gaul
The Inquisitions: or no wait
OlwenWhiteTrack: I have SO called
The Inquisitions: yeah ok
OlwenWhiteTrack: you're stupid phone just rings forever,
OlwenWhiteTrack: and I even left a message this morning
The Inquisitions: then it isnt working
The Inquisitions: which happens a lot
OlwenWhiteTrack: checkyour maching scunt.
The Inquisitions: and this morning, i was out on the town
The Inquisitions: scunt?
OlwenWhiteTrack: yeah
OlwenWhiteTrack: smelly cunt
The Inquisitions: cunt didnt do it this time?
The Inquisitions: oooh
The Inquisitions: i didnt think it could get worse
The Inquisitions: i cant even think of a retort
OlwenWhiteTrack: oh it has.
OlwenWhiteTrack: that's cause your'e dumb
OlwenWhiteTrack: and you don't pick up your phone!
OlwenWhiteTrack: if you did maybe you'd learn something sometime ,
The Inquisitions: yes, i think that has to be the reason
OlwenWhiteTrack: lol.
The Inquisitions: is something afoot?
OlwenWhiteTrack: how are you feeling?
OlwenWhiteTrack: why what's afoot?
The Inquisitions: im asking what was sooooo important in getting called a cunt for not answering the phone!
The Inquisitions: you fucking bitch
The Inquisitions: anyway,
The Inquisitions: im feeling much better
The Inquisitions: thank you
OlwenWhiteTrack: nothing. I was TRYING to check up on my BEST friend!
OlwenWhiteTrack: Oh I'm so glad.
The Inquisitions: really? ::blushes::
The Inquisitions: then i take it all back!!!
OlwenWhiteTrack: we;ll enough to be out on the town?
The Inquisitions: lol no, that was my way of making it sound nice that i left my house for the first time this week to go back to my surgeon, who is subsequently, "in the town"
OlwenWhiteTrack: ooooo. you poor bitch
OlwenWhiteTrack: lol. well I'm glad you;re feeling at least a litle better.
The Inquisitions: that souds less then sincere, i have to be honest
The Inquisitions: well thank you, you heinous bitch
OlwenWhiteTrack: all that I say and do is sincere.
The Inquisitions: ::rolls eyes::
OlwenWhiteTrack: have you watched any rome?
OlwenWhiteTrack: of course you have
OlwenWhiteTrack: and you've loved it
The Inquisitions: i could never watch it without you! it wouldnt be the same
OlwenWhiteTrack: thats right!
OlwenWhiteTrack: don't you dare!
The Inquisitions: im been waiting until the glorious moment we can watch its wonder together!
The Inquisitions: and i cant wait!
The Inquisitions: you should bring some action figures too
The Inquisitions: a few comic books
The Inquisitions: itll be great
OlwenWhiteTrack: oh I will you smartass motherfucker!
OlwenWhiteTrack: I miss you!!
The Inquisitions: you do?!
OlwenWhiteTrack: alright, Carolina is here
OlwenWhiteTrack: I do!!!
OlwenWhiteTrack: I NEED TO SEE YOU
The Inquisitions: i miss you too! and not just because its obligatory to say now!
OlwenWhiteTrack: ok I have to empty the trunk of groceries. and smack carolina around
OlwenWhiteTrack: I love you and I'm gonna call you tomorrow when I wake up!!
The Inquisitions: of course you night creature. do your wholesome activity with me in the morning hours
The Inquisitions: i love you too! talk to you tomorrow!
OlwenWhiteTrack: <3333

Wow. I haven’t posted am aim conversation in years. The old teenage me! Well this was just for fun, to shed light on an almost invisible side of me, or at least one I allow to show sometimes.

August 3

You know what?! I don't know where you are! I called your house at LEAST 4 times! did anyone pick up? Well if they did, I wouldn't have called back 3 more times now would I?!

You'd better be out doing something GRAND for you to not be home like we planned to make all the merry, you filthy whore. I'm going to call you again in ... half an hour and if you're still not home. I'm sicking the squid on you. I'll send him right over to your house to smack up that nice little table that you keep all the fruit on in the kitchen! You got me?!

SIGH

I'm done.

Cape May

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 16:38:29 GMT

So it’s August again. This year has definitely been the fastest of my life. On Saturday we’re going to Cape May again, and luckily we’re only staying for 4 days this time. I’m too old and spoiled to enjoy sleeping on the floor of the living room of a house my uncle rented and crammed twenty relatives (including quite a few kids) into. I can’t say My mom’s extended family are my favorite people in the world but once I write about Egypt, it’ll be quite obvious I’m not that attached to anyone in my family save my parents. That’s a shame, and it’s probably partially my fault.

I’m putting this behind a cut, not because it’s particularly long, just because I would never want anyone in my family to come upon it. Private but to myself and to strangers. It’s my unkind rant about my family and our Cape May rituals. I have to vent now so I can be pleasant and polite in a few days. And I will be.

I don’t think I’ll ever warm up to Rachel. It’s not only that we have nothing in common. I just don’t like her. I can’t help it. I like Elyse more often then not. Her daughter is cute. Laura is twice my age; I have even less in common with her. I haven’t spoken two paragraphs to her husband in my life. Matt is weird, and out failed relationship is his fault, not mine. He’s the “black sheep”, and though I do pity him, he’s always been pretty rude to me, along with everyone else in the family. His wife is nice, though we have nothing to talk about except Matt, and that’s a limited subject. So that covers cousins. I like my uncle Dean, but he has a way of making me feel petty and uneducated. Which I know I am, compared to him. But then, so is everyone else. I told my mom he made me feel this way and she said she had the same feeling, and everyone else probably does too, which makes me feel better. All in all, I like him. I go back and forth on my feelings about Kathy. I guess I liked her until last year in Cape May, where she was more then dismissive and indifferent to me. So I’ll say that until I see her and reassess my feelings, I’m indifferent to her. Her husband never comes to Cape May, and I don’t know him, I do know he’s a drunk who spends his life in one room and whenever my mom calls, he gives my mom all the family’s dirty laundry that Kathy would never want her to know. Nana, the matriarch is not coming. Everyone will be beside themselves with grief, I’m sure. All the toasts at the $500 dinners that my parents inevitably pay for will be to her continued good health, like adoring subjects would toast their aging queen. I’ve had my personal grievances towards her but they’ve faded over the past year and I have learned to love her as a granddaughter to a grandmother without bitterness again. Matt and Ruchi have decided not to come either, which will remove much of the drama. With Matt, there is ALWAYS drama, and I gossip about it with the cousins I don’t really like. I know not to say anything to my mother. When I brought her my grievances against Nana last summer she didn’t speak to me for two days. I don’t think she’s so sensitive about anything so much as any criticism against her mother and her family, which is strange, because my mother has had many justified problems with Nana. Well, in any event, I won’t be trying that again. I clung to dad last summer, and I’ll do it again. I’ve never been good in these big groups of people I almost consider “country folk” with thoughts and concerns so foreign and alien to my own that I’ll admit it’s almost an arrogance that I nurse in my efforts to separate myself from them. This is petty and I will really try not to do it. It’s not worth it. It’s not fair to anybody. Elyse also announced that she would be bringing a friend, which from one point I think is betraying the family tradition, because it is supposed to be a strictly family gathering to catch up, and also makes me grumble, because my parents will be the ones shouldering the additional financial burden. Dean paid for the house, so he is exempt from any other expenses. Ok, that’s more then fair. Kathy doesn’t have the money. Whatever, we have to pay for her, it’s family. Laura and Matt never pay, probably because they’re Dean’s offspring and his financial exemption apparently encircles them as well. My family pays for groceries and the expensive dinners out, which are, as I said, about $500, just for one evening. And no one orders light, or skips desert, or orders the cheap wine. I feel like we’re being taken advantage of sometimes, but I’m like my dad, I’m just being suspicious by nature. Yes well, Elyse’s friend will doubtless contribute to the extensive liquor bill in the evening. I’m just being bitter. Kathy has requested that we don’t go out to dinner and eat in the house, because she’s embarrassed that she is always paid for. Usually Nana covers her. I don’t blame her for wanting to keep her dignity, but I know it will be my sick mom or myself or Margie staying home instead of at the beach, cooking the dinners she doesn’t help with or pay for. It just seems like an extra headache for us, and no less of a financial burden for us, plus the sheer fact that we have to stay at home instead of a restaurant on vacation, just so Kathy can cave face. And it’s not sheer bitterness. Kathy has on many occasions shifted blame or responsibility on my mother or other family members so save herself from aggravation, or taking out her credit card. Bitter Bitter Bitter. So I guess I lied, I’m not so indifferent to her. I wish I was, this grudge won’t make it easier for either of us. Nobody in the family liked Matt. His father, Dean knows and is really defensive of it. There’s a big family rift as it is. Money is always a touchy subject between everyone. Because those who have it hoard it (Dean) and those who don’t take advantage (Kathy). Okay, I think that’s it. It had to be said. I’m worried we will be pressured to spend too much and my Dad will become crazy because of it. I’m worried I’ll slip and let something out that could be construed as something negative about her family and she’ll be as furious as she was last summer.
I’m really done now. My complaints about the drama surrounding my mother’s family. On to the positive. We’ve been going to Cape May since before I was born and I have great memories there. Rachel and Elyse and I used to like each other and when we were carefree kids I have pictures of us playing My Little Pony Together and hiding that amazing Cape May fudge under our pillows. Just seeing the familiar sights and doing the familiar things and going to the familiar restaurants (guess that one’s out) have pleasant memories that all this drama couldn’t begin to ruin. I’m excited about seeing Murrow’s Nut House and The Fudge Shoppe and those quaint glass blowing shops in the outdoor Mall and the Cape May Blends store that Nana likes so much. And going shelling on the adjacent beach early in the morning. And playing poker when it’s raining on the dining room table with Dean’s poker chips. That stupid store that sells T-shirts and sweatshirts with Cape May New Jersey emblems on them, that everyone buys at least one of every year. Buying cheap seashell earrings on the boardwalk. Family pictures in front of the Lobster Box. And just for me, that fantastic Indonesian Mask store. I will enjoy all this and not be bitter. I can’t go to the beach or pool this year because of surgery, but all the rest will be fun. I got my fill of pools in Egypt and that was amazing.
That’s it. Cape May last year. This was happy.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v79/theinquisitions/capemay050.jpg

I’m working on writing about Egypt but it’ll take a few days. On the other hand, life’s been pretty boring. I’m not even supposed to walk for two weeks and I have a few days of my sentence left. I pretty much just read and write. I think it’ll be more than worth it though. I talk to Ashley on the phone and I see Nick a lot. I was flattered to go online and have a bunch of old friends want to talk to me though. Can’t pretend attention doesn’t flatter me. I’m happy I’ve cut myself off from everyone else in high school. I want to begin a new chapter. And I want to meet new people more than anything. I want to shed the seemingly bitter and angry former part of myself that I overindulged in a few pages above. It only inhabits a small part of me anymore. I hope one day I’ll be effortlessly kind and it won’t seem naive.
This livejournal isn't me. No one needs to vent about the things they're comfortable with, or the aspects of life they're happy with. It's a self justification, and I'll ignore myself.

...Got my bill for my classes yesterday! It was the happiest request for money I’ve ever received in the mail. Lol.

Surgery

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 22:03:30 GMT

Update on life for me. Surgery is over! I’ve been taking lots of pictures almost every other day to chart progress, and I have a rather embarrassing folder of said pictures tucked away behind my other files I hope no one will ever find.

So. Wednesday morning, I was still apprehensive but not terrified. Drove to hospital in Dad’s DEP car. Always like that scenic New York City drive. Went to the hospital. Only waited a few minutes. We went to pay the hospital bill, I got that nice ID bracelet, and they took me to a bunch of lockers and gave me those terribly attractive hospital cloths to change into, including those fantastic “grippy” socks (which I kept by the way). Then they took me up to another room. Dad left but they let mom stay with me. A student nurse asked me a few irrelevant questions, brought up her boyfriend a few times and left. Another nurse came and asked me if I was nervous, and I said yes, though truthfully, I was only a little. She asked if I wanted Valium. I said yes of course. I was a bit scared, of the IV and such later, but mostly I took it for fun. We waited for a few hours until they brought me to a different floor, and mom had to leave. By then unfortunately, the Valium had mostly worn off and I was scared again of the IV. I watched some Italian guy from Brooklyn get his IV and freak out a little, which made me uneasy. My anesthesiologist came to put mine in, and he was very nice, thank god. He joked around with me, told me to grab his thumb, and he put the IV in my hand. I got worked up for nothing. It wasn’t so bad. Lol. My Surgeon came a few minutes later to mark all over my chest. I expected it to be a little more extensive, but I decided then just to trust her. She’s done this before. I expected them to give me the anesthesia before I saw the operating room, but instead they walked me into it, told me to lay down on this…thing and it took about five minutes before I was out. That was a scary five minutes. I didn’t think I’d actually have to see the operating room. I thought it would be like in those ER shows on TV, where they tell you to count backwards and then wheel you in. Oh well, I missed out on that cliché. I did have a sense of the passing time and woke up later in a recovery room. I remember having the ability to talk, but being so completely exhausted that I didn’t try, and for the time being settled with arm and neck movements to get someone’s attention. That didn’t work so I did talk, and a few minutes later a nurse came over, and to be honest I don’t remember what she said to me. I asked for water eventually, not really because I was thirsty but because I had a sore throat, and she said that when I go downstairs to the other recovery room, that I would get some. About twenty minutes later they moved me to a…not quite wheelchair, not quite stretcher thing, and just that small movement made me so nauseous that they couldn’t take me downstairs. I felt like I had a fever and it was terrible. My body was freezing and my head was burning, and one nurse would put a hot blanket over me one minute and the next I’d kick it away I was so hot. It was strange, but I was told I’d probably react that way to the aesthesia. They asked me how much pain I was in on a scale of one to ten, and I said four, and they gave me morphine. They finally took my downstairs, and brought my parents over. I told them how horribly nauseous I was and they gave me something for it which made me feel like by brain was being shaken. That made me cry, I’m embarrassed to admit. That weird shaky feeling, the pain, fear, nausea, etc. Well, I’m a baby sometimes, I just had to keep telling myself I asked for it and that I shouldn’t complain. Well, I lie there for a while, and got up to go to the bathroom. Because of the motion, the nausea started up again. I threw up, but then felt a lot better. The nurse there was pretty nice to me. I think about an hour later we left. Mom had to dress me, because I wasn’t supposed to move my arms. I almost felt degraded on her behalf. My eyes weren’t open for most of the ride home, I was still very drugged and very sick feeling. I was excited just to get into bed, which I did first thing. I had to put pillows under my arms so I didn’t roll over and pop any stitches. And that was it. That was my first surgery. The next few days were ok. Still drugged feeling and painful. I remember my dad getting aggravated with me for no reason, and crying and screaming endlessly for no reason afterwards. Reaction from the medication. I went to the surgeon the day after to get the drains removed. Very unpleasant. I asked her for Valium. Five days later (today!) I went to get the stitches removed. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought. She didn’t remove all of them, and I’m going back this Friday to get the rest removed because we’re going to Cape May on Saturday. We decided to stay until Tuesday night I think because Mom wants to be back in work on Wednesday and I think I have another follow-up appointment on Saturday. Whew.

Will talk about Cape May and more boring Post-op details soon. Still have to write Egypt thing.

July

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 17:00:33 GMT

My surgery is tomorrow morning.

oh my god its june 29th

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 13:38:04 GMT

EGYPT!!!!

Back in three weeks.
I'm actually looking forward to posting a "travel log" of sorts.

Worries and life

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 01:16:51 GMT

I'm scared that I'm taking too much of a gamble next month with surgery. (im a hypocrite. remember last entry? well, I cant change my feelings) I'm so so so scared. Not even of the pain, of the outcome. Is this an incredibly selfish use of the money? Is it at all necessary? How bad is it, really? What if it's worse after surgery? What if I feel like I'm too small and want the feeling of big boobs again? Maybe I won't appreciate it until its gone? Oh I hope not! My weight is bothering my lately. Last summer I lost twenty lbs, and I know I gained at least half that back again. I can't begin to describe how depressing that is. Not even because of the way I look. It makes me feel weak, like I'm not in control of myself, all my actions. My ego always benefits enormously when I'm on a successful diet. Well, I doubt I'll gain any weight in Egypt (not known for their good cuisine, and my parents are paranoid about getting sick. eating will never be under discussion), so that’s a comfort. lol. I cannot wait until college. I want to be busy, and challenged. Robert told me he would recommend me, I need a job. I think he really likes me, and I know it's not the best use of his affection, since I know nothing will ever happen, but I'll take the job if I get it. I keep running into him all over Bay Ridge, maybe this was the fated reason.

I love seeing suitcases in my house. It's so exciting. I read a scary review of EgyptAir. Not going to be a pleasant 12 hours. Oh well, I'll be in Egypt, who cares.

I'm not doing a whole lot these days. People keep canceling on me. I see people casually for a few hours, I never have something to do for the entire day. It feels lazy, but stress free. Ugh! I'm eating only 1,000 calories tomorrow and Wednesday. Yeah well, maybe writing it down will push me to actually hold to this. Guilty. (I know its a selfish worry but I've resigned myself to it. what else can I do, if I cant make it go away)

Anyway. Sometime in life, whether for education or work or just fun, I'd like to go to Costa Rica, Ecuador, the Galapagos Islands, the Amazon River, Israel, the Philippines, Indonesia, Micronesia, Melanesia, Polynesia, Holland, France, Italy, Germany, Russia, South Africa, Ghana, Kenya, Mali. I got carried away. I guess since that’s sort of the order they came out of my mind, they’re sort of in order.

My America

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 00:46:37 GMT

I don't know what I'm doing with my life sometimes. There are times, which are usual, that I feel perfectly composed and I pat myself on the back for the choices I've made, and even the person I am. But nobody can like everything about themselves. I think I dislike my body more then my mind, my personality, my soul. I guess that’s a good thing, right? Because for the most part, bodies can be changed, and I don't lack self control. Look at all the pain and money I will spend on making my body better (maybe), even knowing that its a gamble! Am I one to take chances? I always thought not. My dad told me I was too cautious. Think, an almost 60-year-old man saying that to his teenage daughter, the summer before college, the summer before high school. What am I doing? Would I be happier if I took more chances, kept different company? Would I be lying to myself? What did I not take a chance on? I don't even know. I'm full of regrets for the things that I wish I didn't do! I think I do take chances. At least the ones that are presented to me. But I am spoiled with all my choices. We all are, we make life more complicated. Well, maybe I've just become lazier with chances lately. I look back on the times of life that I went for just about anything. I would do just about anything. When I was 14, 15, 16. And look at the bad things that have happened. I was looking on my old livejournal. My god, I have so many regrets. I was a completely different person. I'm the opposite in so many ways. And yet - for all this - I still look back on those years as happy. I always look back on eventful years as happy ones. Everything was new. Novelty in the people I met, the things I did, the thoughts I entertained. I haven't settled into a routine by any stretch of the imagination. I invite spontaneity. It rarely comes. I don't enjoy the things I used to, the things eighteen year olds are supposed to enjoy. Why!? I'm upset I don't, and when I tell people this, they give me quizzical looks and compliment me. Am I really so unique, really so open-minded as I've been said to become? My peers would disagree. Do I really know myself best? I would take chances if they were presented to me. I would do things I enjoyed. I do. But I still feel like I'm missing something. I look back on all the things that have ever made me depressed, past and present. Stress from school, parents. OCD!!! My skin color, which I could sometimes sit hours and thing about, obsess over, and that now I more than embrace. My weight, which has been a battle since I was 14. These are normal, I think, except the OCD. But everybody's got something, and believe me, I'm not complaining. I think we all, myself included, need to stop thinking about ourselves. How silly to be concerned about weight during a war. How silly to be concerned about weight when people are starving. How silly to be concerned about weight when people are dying, when people are miserable, when people are trapped, when people don't have choices, let alone dwell on my choice to eat too much or too little. How silly to be concerned about skin color in America. Genocide in the Sudan. In Darfur. Religious. And I fret over skin color. That I could not help. It was in my mind though, no one else’s. How silly to be concerned over grades in school when I'm lucky to be going to a free public school to begin with. Silly to worry about my parent’s expectations when so many people don't have parents. Orphans with AIDS in Africa. And me, with parents who wanted me to go to a good college. There’s no comparison. Am I a bleeding heart? Am I just realizing how spoiled I am? How utterly American I am? How willing and ready to act am I? What are my intentions in my goals? Why do I want to join the Peace Corps? Why do I choose the company I choose, or the lack of? I could go on and on. Why why why. Why do these things, which are so little and so insignificant still a plague to me. How selfish am I? I was given the insight to realize how petty my “problems” are in retrospect, and still they make me depressed. Oh, men are weak things. How many times have I said that. No, how many times have I truly understood that? Not many. An epiphany, maybe.

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.

- Vincent Van Gogh

How many lands behind me? How many seas?

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 17:11:32 GMT

It’s been such an easy week with nary a responsibility. Leisure. I should get my fill, it won’t be around for much longer.

"They are gentle, loving, faithful, lacking in all guile and trickery. The words denoting lying, deceit, greed, envy, slander, and forgiveness have never been heard. They have no jealousy, no sense of possession. Real, what I thought a dream."

"Who are you whom I so faintly hear? Who urge me ever on? What voice is this that speaks within me... guides me towards the best? We shall make a new start. A fresh beginning. Here the blessings of the earth are bestowed upon all. None need grow poor. Here there is good ground for all, and no cost but one's labor. We shall build a true common wealth, hard work and self-reliance our virtues. We shall have no landlords to rack us with high rents or extort the fruit of our labor."

From The New World

Egypt on Thursday!!!!!!!!

PS - I actually wrote something on my bio page! I'll find something wrong with it and take it down in a week, probably. Go figure, Heath Ledger's quote. He lives on Dean street.

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 17:57:52 GMT

Nevermind! Changed my mind. I messed up the S1 on the other account too, and although there are limitations, i used S2 here and it wasn't horrible, and I'll stick with this username a while. So I think I'll delete the other account in a little while.

A quote I like copy pasted from my old livejournal

“When one of the fishermen, lets say Tata Boanda, has good luck on the river and comes home with his boat loaded with fish, what does he do?”
“That doesn’t happen very often”
“No, but you’ve seen it happen. What does he do?”
“He sings at the top of his lungs and everybody comes and he gives it away”
“Even to his enemies?”
“I guess. Yeah. I know Tata Boanda doesn’t like Tata Zinsana very much, and he gives Tata Zinsana’s wives the most.”
“All right. To me that makes sense. When someone has much more than he can use, it’s very reasonable to expect he will not keep it all to himself.”
“But Tata Boanda has to give it away, because fish won’t keep. If you don’t get rid of it, it’s just going to rot and stink to high heaven.”
“That is just how a Congolese person thinks about money.”

- Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

So hopefully, khaubrich is over
And it's this now, aphaubrich

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 23:24:05 GMT

I changed my username back to

Khaubrich
khaubrich

theres something wrong with the customization, and everytime i try to see my journal page, my computer looses all its memory and i have to shut it off. so i went back to my old user account and didn't touch the color customization (which is where the problem is rooted) so i'm going to continue there.

so that account is undeleted. im not going to delete this one, in case it starts working again and i for some reason want it. never know.

the pot calling the kettle black

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 03:29:23 GMT

I just got home. I've never been so preoccupied. I love Rabab. I'm jealous that Evan likes her better but I can't take a 6 year old's assessment to heart.
I can be such a spoiled, selfish, utterly self-absorbed person with some people and a completely generous, selfless, giving person with others. It seems that the people who I'm wary of/are selfish themselves see my good side, and people who I'm comfortable with/am used to/treat me well see my bad side. I'm depressed right now because I let myself act this way. Return scorn to kindness and respect to malevolence. It's still a shock. And it always revolves around the same source. My anger and resentment are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I'm so ashamed, almost embarrassed that it never even occurred to me that there would be a consequence. An inevitable change of behavior from one party. A completely natural, deserved one, if that word can be used.
Now I feel like I must act a certain way to shift this, come close to mending it. But it would be so utterly unlike me, so out of character, so simply difficult that I'm not sure I'll hold to the promise I already made myself. It depends which is more important - pride, prevalence, or comfort, selfishness.
I hate to write dramatic things. But it's more easily motivated then happy things, or changeless things. I'm not really dramatic. And I'm fickle with anger, but I guess that’s one good thing to be fickle with. How many times have I changed topic in this one paragraph? Oh God! I admit I'm fuming! I'm jealous and selfish, but I'm also extremely prideful and don't want to give up any of these feelings. I actually feel selfish writing this! As though right about now I should be asking the other person's opinion, their input. And this, a private livejournal. I know I'm being vague. It's as though this whole thing is a metaphor for something else, because this is the one thing I can't just say straight out. I don't need to. Ignore myself. Just live with it. Don't call it pride, call it dignity. Make it about dignity. That sounds so much better. Better yet, make it about indifference. I couldn't. I never could. I always thought about it, never admitted it. Not dignity. Pride. Always pride. And this, the only thing in the world I can't give it up with. People change, things change. This changes. I change. But I won't let my pride change. I can't figure out why. I almost feel like I'm verging on some great discovery of the human psyche while I write this. I'm always so close, but my mind forfeits the fight right before it would win. So, am I smart or stupid? Neither. All I know is I'm proud, and it helps for nothing.

Travel pictures

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 16:26:07 GMT

The places I’ve been and later the places I will go soon
And – in another entry I’ll put the places I hope to go someday.
I’ll thank everyone and everything I have to thank. I’m so lucky and I know it.

So! Chronological order:

Yeah, I’ve actually seen the Grand Canyon. But I didn’t take this picture. We were in Mexico too (just the border), but I don’t remember where.

Mykonos (None of the Greece or Turkey pictures are mine. That was before we had a digital camera.

Parthenon

Temple of Athena Nike

Ephesus, Turkey

Coliseum, Ephesus, Turkey

And England! I did take these

Warwick

Bath

Stratford upon Avon

Stonehenge! With typical English weather

Tintagel! GASP always

Tintagel ruins

Glastonbury abbey ruins

One of the most amazing places I’ve even stood on

I know this is horrible, but I don’t remember which particular English cathedral this vaulting is from. Salisbury or Westminster?

Likewise. But I’m sure if I bothered looking it up I’d know. I think Salisbury. I’ll do it later. (EDIT) - Nope, thats this http://www.bc.edu/bc_org/avp/cas/fnart/arch/gothic/chartre1.jpg
And its not westminster either. God I feel bad. Those are the only two I specifically remember seeing. Gloucester maybe or Winchester.

Go with God, my Lord Llewelyn

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 15:47:57 GMT

Methodist hospital actually refused my offer to donate blood because I live with my mother under her circumstances. And I was actually going to do it! Lauren "couldn’t" do it either because supposedly she slept with someone who had lived in Africa for some amount of years. But now Ashley's entire family knows my business. Next time there's a blood drive, I guess I'll just lie. I've been tested for it, but now that it's serious enough that my blood was refused, I'm sort of worried. We have been known to share razors and toothbrushes. My dad's been okay all these years.

Ugh I have to baby-sit later. Time always goes SO slowly when I do, and they never want to watch a movie like normal kids. He knows I'm a paid playmate for a few hours, and means to take full advantage of that. Cora likes me best, but Evan prefers Rabab. In a way its better, because Evan needs more attention and its less work for me, but I think when I give Kristen Rabab's phone number for the summer, she'll use her from then on and not call me again if Evan likes her better. I guess I don't really need the money and Rabab does. Cora can't express her preferences. Kate is annoying, and also prefers Rabab probably because Rabab lives with a baby.

Speaking of money, I have $1000 now. And now my mom borrows money from me and dismisses it when I ask for it back, saying it makes up for the years that she gave me money for no reason. And this after saving for Egypt for six months (with no job) instead of spending. Really, I haven't spent anything. And I don't want to go back to the triple digits so I feel bad spending now until I get a bit more cash. Kristen is so cheap. She pays 10 dollars an hour, but for two young kids and a baby and the fact that Rabab and I have to split the money, it's not much.

We are throwing out the furniture in the old kitchen/room where we keep unsightly things. We're moving the desk and the old computer into it. I think the empty space that will leave in the dining room used as a study won't be so nice. They won't be so keen on purchasing something after this summer.

Since yesterday (which already feels like an eternity), I've been so intent on keeping myself busy with productive things. It's such an abrupt change from a few summers ago when I could sit and do nothing useful for weeks and not feel bad. Now I can't have a half hour of leisure time without feeling slothful and lazy. So that’s why I'm doing around the house stuff. I don't feel bad when I exercise but I do when I read, which sucks. Even when I hang out with friends and do nothing I feel bad. It used to be that when I have a lazy companion, laziness is okay, but not anymore, and I'm ill at ease. During school it was somehow ok to do nothing because I had gone to school and such but now for some reason, I can't give myself an excuse.

Schedule, Final Grades, Term Paper, Penman quotes EDITED 6/13/06

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:07:13 GMT

What I have done/Will do

June 9th – School, Nick in the evening

June 10th – Bought cloths at Esprit in Soho, did house chores, prepared gifts for Egyptian relatives in exchange for an evening of hospitality, got pedicure for first time

June 11th – BBQ’d, did laundry, went to Ashley’s house, Marike came over to watch a movie

June 12th – School, got yearbook, final grades, and painted doorframes a sienna orangey color. Door itself will go from nauseating grey to light olive green. Good mix? So far, the door frames alone don’t look so good. We’ll get used to it.

June 13th – Last Day of classes, lunch w/ashley, see Nick

June 14th – make mom's birthday cupcakes, Paint entire door, paint window in backyard with new ladder

June 15th – go to soho again, chinatown, barnes and noble, etc.

June 16th – French Regents, sand and paint (with that clear sealant (sp?) stuff) wooden doors in basement

Next Week and a half – Get learners permit. Learn to cook something really difficult. Sit and do nothing (read!) for the last time in a long time. “Hang out” with the few friends I have carelessly. Try the black sesame ice cream at the ice cream factory in Chinatown.

PACK FOR EGYPT!
GET FINAL GRADES
GET REGENTS GRADE
ENTER FORT HAMILTON HIGH SCHOOL FOR THE LAST TIME EVER

French final exam grade –
Speaking – 23/24
Writing – 20/20
Listening – 19/25
Reading – 28/31
= 90%

AP Government Final exam grade -
Essay – 40/40
Short answer – 17/20
Multiple choice – 16/20
Mathematical economics - 13/20
= 86%

AP English Final Exam – Term paper – Scorn for Miranda and Sympathy for Frederick in The Collector
Grade ---> A

My final revised essay is posted at the bottom of my stream of consciousness. That's a few updates ago. I changed the gist of it completely. I saw it going in that direction and decided to go with it. Good call.
Here's a link to it:
http://aphaubrich.livejournal.com/1634.html?mode=reply

I love it

Taunton Castle, England
April 1282

Amaury stared at the other man. "I'm to be freed? You swear it is so, John? This is not one of your jests?"
"By the Rood, no! I fancy a joke as well as the next lad, but I'd not jest about this. God's holy truth, the King has agreed to set you free. We're to escort you to the Chancellor in London, where you must swear never to return to English shores. Then we hand you over to the papal nuncio, and off you go - with nary a regret, I'll wager!"
"I cannot believe it," Amaury said softly, more to himself than to John. "I'd just about given up hope of it ever happening, for no less than three Popes have sought to gain my freedom. What made Edward relent? Why now?"
"Judging from what the archdeacon said, and he'd talk the ears off a rabbit, give him half a chance, you owe your freedom to the Pope's persistence and the rebellion of that Welsh brother-in-law of yours. The King has but one thought in mind these days - to bring the wrath of God down upon the Welsh - and he wants the Church to support him whilst he does it. According to the archdeacon, the Pope knows this full well, and was canny enough to exact a price for that support - you. It may be, too, that the King was growing weary of fighting with his own clergy about you, for the Archbishop of Canterbury has been right keen on getting you freed, lad, going to Devizes to argue your case. He's another one who likes to talk, and when you're wearing a mitre, even a king had to hear you out."
"John was a takler, too, and Amaury rarely resisted an opportunity to twit him about his babbling brook of a tongue. But now John's cheerful patter rained about him unaware, for he was caught up in a diabolic irony of it all, that the Welsh war could restore his world at the same time that it threatened Ellen's. He looked so somber that John unfastened a wineskin from his belt, poured for them both, and then sloshed a wet wine cup into his hand.
"I remembered that you've a taste for malmsey. Drink up lad, for you'll not have a better reason for rejoicing. So tell me, what is the first thing you mean to do once you're free?"
The corner of Amaury's mouth twitched. "If you'd been locked away from the world for more than six years, what is the first thing you'd do?
John choked on his wine, then laughed so hard that he choked again. "That sounds suspiciously like sinning to me, and you a man of God!"
Amaury grinned. "And precisely because I am a priest, I well know the cleansing power of confession and contrition," he said, sending John off into another spasm of irreverent mirth. He'd strolled over to the window, stood looking out at the misted hills. "How far are we from Bristol, John, about fifty miles? Why could I not take ship from there?"
John's amiable manner cloaked a sharp wit. He frowned thoughtfully, and was not long in remembering that only a narrow stretch of water seperated Bristol from the Welsh border. "Jesus God lad, you'd best banish that notion straightaway! Even if you were free to wander off into Wales at your will, the country is up in arms against the English. Nor are we just going to shove you across the drawbridge on the morrow and wish you Godspeed. You'll be in the custody of the Church until you have abjurned the realm, and, to speak bluntly, the last thing you want is to give the King a reason - any reason - to change his mind. I understand you wish to bid your sister farewell. But your only concern now must be getting safe aboard the papal nuncio's ship, watchind Dover's white cliffs fade into the distance."

Run on sentence

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 01:27:02 GMT

Not a good week. Here's my free therapy. On the good side, I finished my term paper, am happy with it. That government test I was so upset over - I got an 86. I was beyond surprised. I had fun with Ashley last night. I was waiting around doing nothing at home, and when the phone rang she asked me to go to pearl paint. While I don't relish the idea of going with her to buy art supplies, I suppose it was a welcome reprieve from doing nothing. So we went to Chinatown. Lychee ice cream is so cool. We sat outside this Malaysian restaurant for a few hours and it was a pretty night, even though it was drizzling. Lots of tourists. It’s sort of fun to watch their fascination with everything I take for granted. Makes me appreciate everything more. I got home late, and I’m so happy I did, because it made me feel like I had a semblance of a life. Today did not go as I wished it to. It’s silly, but tonight’s prom, and I didn’t go, and while I don’t regret it, I would like to be doing something. Ashley and I planned to go out, but she has work tomorrow morning, and I’m busy Sunday, so it won’t work for now. Sylwia keeps insisting that we hang out. I really really don’t want to. She always inadvertently makes me feel bad about myself. And I can’t help but feel she has some sort of agenda with her new found interest in being with me after so many years. Chrystal definitely did. I don’t want to get involved again. I told a girl from class she could come over to borrow a movie, and she took it to mean she could come over and watch it, and I’m still unsure of how to approach that if she calls. Look at me alienating people. It’s me. It couldn’t be them because there are so many of them. I hold out hope that next year when I meet more interesting people; my lack of interest in spending time with those my age will go away. I’m so happy I’m busy this summer. I’m so happy I’m getting surgery and spending time in a third world country. Speaking of which, my dad ordered these expensive…things to drink (mix with water) to prevent Malaria. It was the foulest substance I’ve ever had to swallow. It had the consistency of really expensive olive oil, and they tried to make it taste like strawberries or something, but I’d blindly compare it to gasoline. And you’re not allowed to drink water for an hour afterwards, or eat anything. Diet went well today. Well I got a tic tac when no one was looking. We have to do it again next week. And Random: when school ends my mom and I are going to paint the front door. Thank god.

(Deleted. I'm sorry if you read it)

"De Mortimer was willing to wager his hopes for salvation that self-interest was the one drink no man refused, but he had never understood why most men must sweeten it so lavishly ere they could swallow it. It seemed, though, that even a King had need of sugar, and he felt a faint flicker of comtempt that weakness of any kind always aroused in him. But he took care to keep such dangerous thoughts safely buried in the back of his brain, for a king could afford the luxury of lying to himself - if he was also the greatest soldier in Christendom."

- Sharon Kay Penman, The Reckoning