| Rant |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|12:55 am] |
I HATE Myspace and Facebook. I feel like I should get a Myspace just to keep in touch with people because I have seemingly lost all my friends, (and from what I hear, this is the medium) and on the other hand, I can't fight the loathing I have for it. The same thing is happening with facebook. I want to delete it out of spite. Cell phones too. I hate work. Ji Soo is so mean to me for no reason. If Rabab weren't coming, I'd quit. I'm jealous of Sylwia and Ashley. Whenever I see her Im reminded of how the rest of New York or America views me and how I do, and the vast difference. And Unfortunatly, no matter how much Nick tells me it doesn't matter, it does. Nick isn't around. I feel so boring. I get arrogant and think I know what's important in life. I still am. How is it that most of the world is wrong and I'm right? That just can't be right. I cannot find a single person that clicks with me and all of my old friends no longer click. It's a transition period with no end point. When at first spending a night with Ashley put me in a silly, happy mood I'm now depressed. My life is busy and meaningful and productive now and I still feel useless. I changed my minor to be of more help to society. Is that stupid? Who's judgement can I trust on that? I'm jealous of people who have friends they enjoy. It makes me feel like I'm somehow socially awkward, and I'm not.
November is my favorite month. |
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| Just today |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | opeth - harvest | ] |
I am becoming addicted to facebook. Now that I actually have a shred of free time. Ugh. I did consider for a moment just deleting it, and being done with it, but I shamefully admit that I regret doing that with my Myspace and am too prideful to get another one. So it stays.
Taking Rabab to chop chop tomorrow. Ji soo better hire her. I swear.
I hugged Greg today. Even just that friendly gesture seemed wrong. Even got a weird rush. If I'm getting rushes from that I know I must be in some sort of rut. I haven't had sex for like a month. Why is that?
I am going to make such fantastic cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving. Watch.
This weekend I have to Write my english paper and do my anthro project/write paper. My philosophy professor just gave out a paper to write. a ten page paper. I have to catch up on some serious geology and archaeology reading. Some anthro too. a few short essays to read in English. That's my holiday weekend. I really want to do some Christmas shopping. I think I bought Nick the wrong book. I need to get him a keychain as a joke.
I really really want a tan. I can't believe I can't wait till summer. This is the first year the winter has come close to annoying me.
...I almost feel bad not being pensive here!
I'll fix it. Some serious thoughtful quotes. lol. Except the Eddie Izzard ones.
( Read more... ) |
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| I hate feeling obligated to name entries. It's stupid. |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | Easy star all stars - radiodread - paranoid android | ] |
Thanksgiving's in a few days. Thats always nice. I just did really bad on a lab midterm. It's the first time this semester that I didn't really study too hard. I'm kinda surprised with myself for not caring that much. ::shrugs:: Nick and I have been fighting a lot. I really need to just learn to let things go. He's leaving soon. Fights are not important. Not that this has anything to do with it, but he's been giving me rides too and from work, so class some mornings, which takes a while. He works with my neighbors, but I suspects he actually likes that. I love that Nick drives.
I hate work. Ji soo makes me...uncomfortable - at best! He acts authoritative a lot, and then he'll come out and say something totally crude or intimate and I'm not sure how to react, and all the other people there see him a lot more often then I do. Whatever. Yashibel doesn't work on Sundays anymore, thank god! Rabab said she might work on sundays!!!!!!!!!! I hope for nothing more, that would be fantastic. I love her, I never see her anymore.
I feel like the entire world has taken to calling me boring, or comparing my life to theirs in a less then favorable light. Why is "partying" looked upon with such favor? Even Ji soo gave me this. He predicted I'd be a party animal when I'm in my 30's. We'll see, but honestly, I doubt it. Ashley called me saturday night and asked me to go to some...thing somewhere in the nighborhood and then probably drinking with her and Sylwia. Why do I feel so bad that I declined? Not guilty bad - just boring bad. Like my values are so inherently different from everyone elses and if I have no intimate friends left its no one's fault but my own. When I study the Bedouins or Trobrianders, look at their lifestyles, I can really see how silly the American New York trendy culture is, how materialistic it is, how fleeting and brainless. I don't know why it still makes me feel bad. The part of my own culture drilled into be regardless of how much studying or distancing I do. Oh well. Even when people I don't know that well try to know me better I decline. Why? Im busy - yes, true excuse, but I can always "make" time. I could go to the movie with Greg, or do my Anthro project with Leila. I really should. I miss out on all the social networking for my lack of a Myspace. I really feel like that would help and its a real shame. It would also help if I enjoyed talking on the phone. I just don't. It's for making quick plans, not chatting in my book. I even make stupid excuses when Chrystal calls from Kansas, a rare occurance, probably my oldest friend. Ugh, my fault my fault. Whatever. I guess the easy thing would be to say that I'll change it when I get fed up enough. And obviously that isn't now.
I've never understood the value of money more then I do now. I'm becoming frugal like my dad.
I love that all the "good" holidays are now. Thats fun.
I'm looking forward to seeing Greg tomorrow. I hate that I seem to have a crush on him too. Maybe its just availability. Or triumph on my part. I don't know.
I love that I have a stash of expensive organic food in the bottom drawer of my dresser which is all I eat now. I love that I have tea bags 30% off from work that I make with hot water from my tap in my bathroom. I can't wait to study abroad.
Ok - I think thats it. I wish I could relay the pearls of wisdom I had on the carride from work yesterday with Nick. You know, sometimes you have real life epiphanies, and you pat yourself on the back for your insightfulness, and then just can't recreate the thoughts later? Well, I can say it was about religion and history and psychological egoism, the stupidity of being misanthropic, comparing american culture to others, the difference in culturally learned behavior and biological features of humanity, the importance of giving, what it means to live in america and have so much when others have so little, our responsibility to each other, the world.
I know - it SOUNDS sooooo smart! But I have no proof! |
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| november and december in the forseeable future |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | trans-siberian orchestra | ] |
Stuff to do:
- Have sex. A lot. It's been a long time. Do something Crazy. Surprise yourself.
- See Apocalypto!!! December 8th
- See Blood Diamond. same date.
- See the tree in Rockefellar (sp? too lazy to look it up now) center.
- Go to those tents in union square they put up in December and buy Christmas presents.
- Actually hang out with Nam when he asks. But not to play Badminton. lol.
- See Ashley
- Hopefully work with Rabab.
- Get more days with less hours at work.
- Spend a lot of time with Nick until he leaves.
- Ask surgeon on follow-up procedure. I really want it.
I made this mental list in class and I know I had more then this. I'll add later I guess.
I hate my haircut. I look like a butch lesbian. I want shorter bangs, and less of a mullet. Theres a difference between that and layers.
I want pumpkin pie.
...Ok then! |
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| obligatory i guess, and maybe descartes inspiration? |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | pj harvey - good fortune | ] |
I'm trying to stay true to my frequent updating oath. Sooo...Today I got a 100 on my philosophy midterm! I'm procrastinating writing a study guide for my second anthropology midterm on thursday. ugh. ugh!!!
Still gonna keep these entries private for now.
Other than that, I'm really happy. Everything is going well for me, can't complain. I'm in America and I have all my limbs. I stole that last part from Ashley, she doesn't know how right she is. I really miss her. I haven't seen her since that drunken night when I made out with her a couple of times. It makes me cringe to even think about it. How can we ever act normal when making fun of LOTR or ordering weird food combinations at the Bridgeview diner again? Really. We kissed. With A LOT of tongue. Oh my God! Well let me say this is out of character for me. Really really out of character. I've become shy, meek, almost reserved. Only out going with a select few people. I like that I did something slightly wild, but i almost regret its not in my nature to do so. I wish I didn't regret it. I missed Sylwia today. I miss all of my old high school friends today. I miss free time and not working. Not ALWAYS having to read something for class, not having to go to work and adhere to such a strict schedule. I envy Nick, and catch myself disrespecting him for it sometimes, which i know isnt fair. God, January is so close. I don't even want to think about it too much. I have no idea what it's going to be like.
My jaw hurts. And actually, my boobs hurt. I want/need to get that follow-up surgery. I can't wait to buy a string bikini. It's SO happening this spring so I can just parade in it around alone in my room until summer.
Do I have the smallest insignificant crush on Greg? Why is it that he makes me feel so awkward if not? I both dread and look forward to philosophy class. I dress up even. He's strange, but there's something, I don't know. Maybe I'm just flattered. Every girl is at least a little insecure. And all insecurity is at least a little bit quelled when the opposite sex takes interest, I think. Let's leave it at that.
Nam keeps asking me to play Badminton with him. 3rd time. God, thats so weird! I'm running out of believeable excuses. He's real nice though. I like having such a diverse pool of friends. I'd like a best friend however. And I'm going to refrain, for my own benefit, from saying, "can't have everything" and sounding like my own grandmother. why is that such a temptation for me?
I want a laptop and a digital camera but I'm saving my money for study abroad. I'm not above playing the "Christmas gift" card with rich relatives, at least at this point in my life. I want to shake off materialism, but it doesn't count if I say..."eventually", does it?
I make myself sound so "unserious". I am serious, too much actually, I promise.
There was a placebo concert sometime around now in november. I wish I could have gone.
Sleeping pill? How did you know
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|10:50 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | Shakira - Don't Bother | ] |
If I even attempt to update everything that has happened in my life since the last time I cared to relate it I'd be here all night. All summer I kept thinking of my Freshman year of high school and how so many new things happened, and I learned so much and experienced so much, and hoped that Freshman year of college would be the same. I remember a few weeks after orientation, I was sitting in Chrystal's room, both us talking about how not much had changed and we were disappointed. Ironically, it seems like the day she left life started getting more interesting for me. And thank god. Now I have a big pool of memories to tap into in four years just like I reminisce about high school. I also read a few old journal entries from around that time, when I was fourteen. I used better vocabulary in them then I do now, I was so pretentious. Like I just knew someone would read them and be impressed. Well, I'm sure Nick has skimmed through most of it and I doubt he was. Well anyway, I've gone through two jobs, the one at Eckerd Pharmacy that I got from Robert, (who still calls me to this day for some reason), and the one at Chop Chop, which I can credit to me semi-renewed friendship with Chrystal, since her mother works for the man who is now my boss at the nail salon across the street in trendy Boreum Hill. I still work there now, on Sundays, usually ten hours, and to my extreme displeasure, 12 or 14 hours when he’s understaffed. I could go on and on about how much I dislike him, I’ll save that for some angry Sunday. My classes are going well, Midterms went very well, its just Philosophy that I haven’t seen yet and that’s supposed to be tomorrow. Geology I got a 95, Archaeology I got a 92, Anthro and English I got an A+. I feel like just in the last week I’ve been doing a little worse then usual. I feel like I have no time between work and school and study and babysitting. I haven’t seen Nick for weeks and he’s leaving in January. I rarely if ever see Ashley anymore, except for her tragedy a couple of weeks ago, and all the kissing that she Steven, Melissa and I did in my basement over cheap light beers, shots of brandy and clove cigarettes. I know, very strange. That’s more because we’re growing apart though, and not because of our busy schedules. We have nothing in common anymore. I like Rabab, I see her when we baby-sit, but that’s about it. I’m getting closer to Leila but I can’t stand her pretentiousness and wouldn’t pursue a friendship with her any further. I have a lot of acquaintances, which is nice, but I really have no one to call if I have some tragedy and I need support, except Nick, and if the tragedy is about him, I’m pretty much out of options. It’s not like if I found a great friend I’d have too much time to spend time with them. I do get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but as usual, it’s really strange guys who (as arrogant as this sounds) offend me with trying. I always ask, “Why does he think I’m in his league?” Am I that socially awkward or creepy or morbidly obese? It’s not looks, I can be sure. I mean it when I say I’m one of the least shallow people out there. I don’t know. I notice I don’t approach terribly attractive or smart people because I have a prejudice that they won’t be too nice because they never had to be. So I hope it’s my fault. I have a huge crush on my philosophy professor, which I know is going nowhere. Not that any of this would come to anything anyway, since Nick and I are doing well. It just comes to the point where you get so comfortable with someone there’s not much effort or excitement anymore. Not complaining. I think I know better than most to be content with what I have and accept flaws others have. That’s life, and I’m really really lucky with Nick. He’s fantastic. So are my parents, which is helpful, since I live with them. What else do I say? That’s my life right now, very busy. I really do want to try to update more. I’m going to keep these entries private for now, and make them public when they won’t be of interest to anyone, just in case. I mention names and wouldn’t want anyone to get mad. |
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| Yes, I actually saved it. |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|08:47 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | shakira - eyes like yours | ] |
I think he would be angry at me for posting this, but this is MY journal, and I keep it relativly private for a reason.
----------------------------
Nickvrxp: * laughing * you're a total babe when you're angry and upset
Nickvrxp: Why katie! You're set on the best course...ever. You've got a hot stud for a boyfriend
Nickvrxp: what more do you want?!?!
Nickvrxp: I want you so much
Nickvrxp: hey katie
Nickvrxp: hey baby call me again
Nickvrxp: common sugar lips
Nickvrxp: pleaaassee
Nickvrxp: what's the hold up huh
Nickvrxp: hmm well, if you want to play the silent type
Nickvrxp: fine fine, your pick
Nickvrxp: * elevator music *
Nickvrxp: seriously
Nickvrxp: fine
Nickvrxp: SEE
The Inquisitions: haha, thank god for that
Nickvrxp: it's such a great release...we should try it!
Nickvrxp: tommorow!
Nickvrxp: common, first thing in the morning
The Inquisitions: no way
Nickvrxp: itll be fun!
The Inquisitions: absolutly not
Nickvrxp: fuuunn
The Inquisitions: no
Nickvrxp: pllleeeeaaasssee
Nickvrxp: I'll moan and groan and call you baby
Nickvrxp: WHAT THE HELL ELSE DO YOU WANT |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|10:33 pm] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | MSI straight to video | ] |
Just wait for the surge of LJ activity, because after midterms, its coming with a vengence.
(And I can't stand this LJ layout anymore. It's gone very soon!)
I hate cell phones and social networking websites. Call me old fashioned. This era doesn't work for me.
I love college and I love Brooklyn and many but not all aspects of life.
I wish I had the hand muscles for a real journal, and enough pen and paper. That way, I could write the crude and outrageous things and not have to filter them for the nobody that reads this maybe.
Until Wednesday, my first day off after my last midterm and Halloween. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|01:24 am] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | shakira - eyes like yours | ] |
yeah, i sold out and got a face book
http://brooklyn.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16205682
i wish i could inspire myself to be active here.
i hate reading over the entries. im so angsty!
maybe when midterms are over ill become a livejournal slave again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | kristen barry - ordinary life | ] |
The imaginary lifeless person who personifies my livejournal must think I’m a complete loss. I usually only consult them when I’m in a less than chipper mood. Actually, that hasn’t been often lately. Good. It has actually been a good few weeks. Today I suffer from terribly low self-esteem, which must sound incredibly ordinary but bear with me.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel useless in the place that I’m in. I never never let myself feel unlucky, no matter how easy or convenient that path seems at the time. I know I’m one of the luckiest. That is what I know puts me in the place I realize now. I feel guilty about my American lifestyle a lot, and every day more than the last. That’s a luxury I allow myself. I’m of no use to society now. Or at least, to get back on a positive track, not yet. But I feel like it’s getting ahead of myself to even go that far. I haven’t really proven myself in anything yet, no abilities, nothing other than ambitions, albeit ones most think are idle. I know what I have to do, and what I should do, and I hate that patience is involved. I know even if I had all the money and resources in the world, and the same apparently selfless ambitions, I would still have to wait. I know I can’t just drive around the world and hand everyone in need a few dollars and a syringe with every Western vaccination we take for granted and expect change. Not even in world affairs. In attitude. Western attitude. That would surely change things. I want to be taken seriously, but that’s such a selfish desire, one that does no justice to the whole point. I don’t know if it’s that I try not to allow myself emotions that are probably human, but once I get on the whole OCD perfection track that I already see lain out in front of me, it’s hard for me to accept any action other than one I would want published in a book about me later. That’s why I’m feeling less then chipper today. I strayed from what I view as perfection in behavior and thought and I’m inadvertently punishing myself. Even as I write this I’m silently telling myself that I’ll make up for it tomorrow and the next day with better actions and overwrite it somehow. At least I have an eraser of sorts. I make myself sound really crazy. It’s not so. |
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| People and money |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|09:51 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | marcy playground - sex and candy | ] |
Back from Cape May. When I promised to denounce my bitterness, I meant it, and as a result, I think everything was pleasant for everyone. Matt didn’t come, which removed a lot of the drama, the same goes with my grandmother. It was Dean, Margie, Laura and her family, and Kathy and her family. Less crowding helped also, I’m sure. The only thing we had to gossip about was Rachel and I have too much sympathy for her to let any malice creep into it. So it was nice spending time with them, I had fun. We played lots of Poker; they did lots of swimming I regret I couldn’t participate in. Lots of quaint Cape May shopping. We invited Kathy, Elyse, Rachel and Lexi over for Christmas, and for once, I actually hope they’ll come.
I have put off everything I know I had to do this summer until after Cape May, and now I’m overwhelmed. Before college, which is three weeks maybe? I have to get my learners permit. Get to the dentist. Go to the endocrinologist. Get those prints from every important digital camera picture since late 2005. That’s actually a lot. Buy all my textbooks. Get the official ID. Send in my AP scores, which I don’t know how to go about. Take the language test so I can minor in French.
We got the bill from the hospital today, shocked. We expected about nine thousand dollars. The surgical fee was three thousand, anesthesiologist was almost one thousand, and the hospital fee another three thousand. I thought I was estimating up with nine. The hospital bill alone was eleven thousand dollars. They just throw on such ridiculous unforeseen costs that you don’t consider beforehand. I wonder how many thousand extra my surgeon will add on once all the follow up appointments are over. Fifteen thousand dollars. From an overestimated nine. That’s horrible. My parents are not pleased.
Well, yesterday I babysat and got $50, which I soon have to share with Rabab. I like Kristen and Joe. I saw Ashley for a few hours, but she’s going to Key West in a few days so it looks like we still won’t be seeing very much of each other. I’m supposed to see Chrystal today. And oddly enough, I’m seeing Christina on Monday. That will be interesting, at the very least. She was pleasant to talk to online. So that’s the next few days. And I have to get started on the to do list. I’m still working on writing about Egypt. |
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| I'll be on the right track eventually |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:02 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | deftones - knife party | ] |
I’m young again, and no one could differentiate the following from my angst 4 years ago.
( Read more... )
Ashley’s coming over in a few hours to watch Rome. At the very least, we can still both appreciate ancient Rome with its violence and promiscuity. Tomorrow hopefully the last of the stitches will be removed (this will hurt) and I can venture into the world again. Life will begin anew in every way. I’ll see to it. |
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| AIM |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|07:49 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | nine inch nails - closer | ] |
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/libr/c/a/caliburnus/caliburnus.html
Remember this?
I can’t believe it’s Wednesday. I won’t delete it but I’m angry at myself for all the bitterness earlier. It’s not me anymore. I had a conversation with my mother about her family (after writing since it was fresh on my mind), a real taboo with her, and it would take me forever to type the insights we came to, but I’ll just say I won’t nurse grudges anymore, and even though she walked into the conversation with apprehension, I think she came out of it more or less okay (not furious, which is real progress). What a run on sentence. Well that’s it. We’ll see how it goes.
( Read more... ) |
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| Cape May |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|12:37 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | marcy playground - sex and candy | ] |
So it’s August again. This year has definitely been the fastest of my life. On Saturday we’re going to Cape May again, and luckily we’re only staying for 4 days this time. I’m too old and spoiled to enjoy sleeping on the floor of the living room of a house my uncle rented and crammed twenty relatives (including quite a few kids) into. I can’t say My mom’s extended family are my favorite people in the world but once I write about Egypt, it’ll be quite obvious I’m not that attached to anyone in my family save my parents. That’s a shame, and it’s probably partially my fault.
I’m putting this behind a cut, not because it’s particularly long, just because I would never want anyone in my family to come upon it. Private but to myself and to strangers. It’s my unkind rant about my family and our Cape May rituals. I have to vent now so I can be pleasant and polite in a few days. And I will be.
( Read more... )
I’m working on writing about Egypt but it’ll take a few days. On the other hand, life’s been pretty boring. I’m not even supposed to walk for two weeks and I have a few days of my sentence left. I pretty much just read and write. I think it’ll be more than worth it though. I talk to Ashley on the phone and I see Nick a lot. I was flattered to go online and have a bunch of old friends want to talk to me though. Can’t pretend attention doesn’t flatter me. I’m happy I’ve cut myself off from everyone else in high school. I want to begin a new chapter. And I want to meet new people more than anything. I want to shed the seemingly bitter and angry former part of myself that I overindulged in a few pages above. It only inhabits a small part of me anymore. I hope one day I’ll be effortlessly kind and it won’t seem naive.
This livejournal isn't me. No one needs to vent about the things they're comfortable with, or the aspects of life they're happy with. It's a self justification, and I'll ignore myself.
...Got my bill for my classes yesterday! It was the happiest request for money I’ve ever received in the mail. Lol. |
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| Surgery |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|06:02 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | verve pipe | ] |
Update on life for me. Surgery is over! I’ve been taking lots of pictures almost every other day to chart progress, and I have a rather embarrassing folder of said pictures tucked away behind my other files I hope no one will ever find.
So. Wednesday morning, I was still apprehensive but not terrified. Drove to hospital in Dad’s DEP car. Always like that scenic New York City drive. Went to the hospital. Only waited a few minutes. We went to pay the hospital bill, I got that nice ID bracelet, and they took me to a bunch of lockers and gave me those terribly attractive hospital cloths to change into, including those fantastic “grippy” socks (which I kept by the way). Then they took me up to another room. Dad left but they let mom stay with me. A student nurse asked me a few irrelevant questions, brought up her boyfriend a few times and left. Another nurse came and asked me if I was nervous, and I said yes, though truthfully, I was only a little. She asked if I wanted Valium. I said yes of course. I was a bit scared, of the IV and such later, but mostly I took it for fun. We waited for a few hours until they brought me to a different floor, and mom had to leave. By then unfortunately, the Valium had mostly worn off and I was scared again of the IV. I watched some Italian guy from Brooklyn get his IV and freak out a little, which made me uneasy. My anesthesiologist came to put mine in, and he was very nice, thank god. He joked around with me, told me to grab his thumb, and he put the IV in my hand. I got worked up for nothing. It wasn’t so bad. Lol. My Surgeon came a few minutes later to mark all over my chest. I expected it to be a little more extensive, but I decided then just to trust her. She’s done this before. I expected them to give me the anesthesia before I saw the operating room, but instead they walked me into it, told me to lay down on this…thing and it took about five minutes before I was out. That was a scary five minutes. I didn’t think I’d actually have to see the operating room. I thought it would be like in those ER shows on TV, where they tell you to count backwards and then wheel you in. Oh well, I missed out on that cliché. I did have a sense of the passing time and woke up later in a recovery room. I remember having the ability to talk, but being so completely exhausted that I didn’t try, and for the time being settled with arm and neck movements to get someone’s attention. That didn’t work so I did talk, and a few minutes later a nurse came over, and to be honest I don’t remember what she said to me. I asked for water eventually, not really because I was thirsty but because I had a sore throat, and she said that when I go downstairs to the other recovery room, that I would get some. About twenty minutes later they moved me to a…not quite wheelchair, not quite stretcher thing, and just that small movement made me so nauseous that they couldn’t take me downstairs. I felt like I had a fever and it was terrible. My body was freezing and my head was burning, and one nurse would put a hot blanket over me one minute and the next I’d kick it away I was so hot. It was strange, but I was told I’d probably react that way to the aesthesia. They asked me how much pain I was in on a scale of one to ten, and I said four, and they gave me morphine. They finally took my downstairs, and brought my parents over. I told them how horribly nauseous I was and they gave me something for it which made me feel like by brain was being shaken. That made me cry, I’m embarrassed to admit. That weird shaky feeling, the pain, fear, nausea, etc. Well, I’m a baby sometimes, I just had to keep telling myself I asked for it and that I shouldn’t complain. Well, I lie there for a while, and got up to go to the bathroom. Because of the motion, the nausea started up again. I threw up, but then felt a lot better. The nurse there was pretty nice to me. I think about an hour later we left. Mom had to dress me, because I wasn’t supposed to move my arms. I almost felt degraded on her behalf. My eyes weren’t open for most of the ride home, I was still very drugged and very sick feeling. I was excited just to get into bed, which I did first thing. I had to put pillows under my arms so I didn’t roll over and pop any stitches. And that was it. That was my first surgery. The next few days were ok. Still drugged feeling and painful. I remember my dad getting aggravated with me for no reason, and crying and screaming endlessly for no reason afterwards. Reaction from the medication. I went to the surgeon the day after to get the drains removed. Very unpleasant. I asked her for Valium. Five days later (today!) I went to get the stitches removed. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought. She didn’t remove all of them, and I’m going back this Friday to get the rest removed because we’re going to Cape May on Saturday. We decided to stay until Tuesday night I think because Mom wants to be back in work on Wednesday and I think I have another follow-up appointment on Saturday. Whew.
Will talk about Cape May and more boring Post-op details soon. Still have to write Egypt thing. |
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| July |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | lovage - stockers ace | ] |
My surgery is tomorrow morning. |
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| oh my god its june 29th |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|09:37 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | bjork - play dead | ] |
EGYPT!!!!
Back in three weeks.
I'm actually looking forward to posting a "travel log" of sorts. |
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| Worries and life |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|09:45 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | full | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | mindless self indulgence - tight | ] |
I'm scared that I'm taking too much of a gamble next month with surgery. (im a hypocrite. remember last entry? well, I cant change my feelings) I'm so so so scared. Not even of the pain, of the outcome. Is this an incredibly selfish use of the money? Is it at all necessary? How bad is it, really? What if it's worse after surgery? What if I feel like I'm too small and want the feeling of big boobs again? Maybe I won't appreciate it until its gone? Oh I hope not! My weight is bothering my lately. Last summer I lost twenty lbs, and I know I gained at least half that back again. I can't begin to describe how depressing that is. Not even because of the way I look. It makes me feel weak, like I'm not in control of myself, all my actions. My ego always benefits enormously when I'm on a successful diet. Well, I doubt I'll gain any weight in Egypt (not known for their good cuisine, and my parents are paranoid about getting sick. eating will never be under discussion), so that’s a comfort. lol. I cannot wait until college. I want to be busy, and challenged. Robert told me he would recommend me, I need a job. I think he really likes me, and I know it's not the best use of his affection, since I know nothing will ever happen, but I'll take the job if I get it. I keep running into him all over Bay Ridge, maybe this was the fated reason.
I love seeing suitcases in my house. It's so exciting. I read a scary review of EgyptAir. Not going to be a pleasant 12 hours. Oh well, I'll be in Egypt, who cares.
I'm not doing a whole lot these days. People keep canceling on me. I see people casually for a few hours, I never have something to do for the entire day. It feels lazy, but stress free. Ugh! I'm eating only 1,000 calories tomorrow and Wednesday. Yeah well, maybe writing it down will push me to actually hold to this. Guilty. (I know its a selfish worry but I've resigned myself to it. what else can I do, if I cant make it go away)
Anyway. Sometime in life, whether for education or work or just fun, I'd like to go to Costa Rica, Ecuador, the Galapagos Islands, the Amazon River, Israel, the Philippines, Indonesia, Micronesia, Melanesia, Polynesia, Holland, France, Italy, Germany, Russia, South Africa, Ghana, Kenya, Mali. I got carried away. I guess since that’s sort of the order they came out of my mind, they’re sort of in order. |
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| My America |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|08:22 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Music is: |
| | mozart | ] |
I don't know what I'm doing with my life sometimes. There are times, which are usual, that I feel perfectly composed and I pat myself on the back for the choices I've made, and even the person I am. But nobody can like everything about themselves. I think I dislike my body more then my mind, my personality, my soul. I guess that’s a good thing, right? Because for the most part, bodies can be changed, and I don't lack self control. Look at all the pain and money I will spend on making my body better (maybe), even knowing that its a gamble! Am I one to take chances? I always thought not. My dad told me I was too cautious. Think, an almost 60-year-old man saying that to his teenage daughter, the summer before college, the summer before high school. What am I doing? Would I be happier if I took more chances, kept different company? Would I be lying to myself? What did I not take a chance on? I don't even know. I'm full of regrets for the things that I wish I didn't do! I think I do take chances. At least the ones that are presented to me. But I am spoiled with all my choices. We all are, we make life more complicated. Well, maybe I've just become lazier with chances lately. I look back on the times of life that I went for just about anything. I would do just about anything. When I was 14, 15, 16. And look at the bad things that have happened. I was looking on my old livejournal. My god, I have so many regrets. I was a completely different person. I'm the opposite in so many ways. And yet - for all this - I still look back on those years as happy. I always look back on eventful years as happy ones. Everything was new. Novelty in the people I met, the things I did, the thoughts I entertained. I haven't settled into a routine by any stretch of the imagination. I invite spontaneity. It rarely comes. I don't enjoy the things I used to, the things eighteen year olds are supposed to enjoy. Why!? I'm upset I don't, and when I tell people this, they give me quizzical looks and compliment me. Am I really so unique, really so open-minded as I've been said to become? My peers would disagree. Do I really know myself best? I would take chances if they were presented to me. I would do things I enjoyed. I do. But I still feel like I'm missing something. I look back on all the things that have ever made me depressed, past and present. Stress from school, parents. OCD!!! My skin color, which I could sometimes sit hours and thing about, obsess over, and that now I more than embrace. My weight, which has been a battle since I was 14. These are normal, I think, except the OCD. But everybody's got something, and believe me, I'm not complaining. I think we all, myself included, need to stop thinking about ourselves. How silly to be concerned about weight during a war. How silly to be concerned about weight when people are starving. How silly to be concerned about weight when people are dying, when people are miserable, when people are trapped, when people don't have choices, let alone dwell on my choice to eat too much or too little. How silly to be concerned about skin color in America. Genocide in the Sudan. In Darfur. Religious. And I fret over skin color. That I could not help. It was in my mind though, no one else’s. How silly to be concerned over grades in school when I'm lucky to be going to a free public school to begin with. Silly to worry about my parent’s expectations when so many people don't have parents. Orphans with AIDS in Africa. And me, with parents who wanted me to go to a good college. There’s no comparison. Am I a bleeding heart? Am I just realizing how spoiled I am? How utterly American I am? How willing and ready to act am I? What are my intentions in my goals? Why do I want to join the Peace Corps? Why do I choose the company I choose, or the lack of? I could go on and on. Why why why. Why do these things, which are so little and so insignificant still a plague to me. How selfish am I? I was given the insight to realize how petty my “problems” are in retrospect, and still they make me depressed. Oh, men are weak things. How many times have I said that. No, how many times have I truly understood that? Not many. An epiphany, maybe.
Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.
- Vincent Van Gogh |
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aphaubrich's journal